Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- The psychotherapist practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
